Abstinence

This is a picture of Ted Haggard's LYING ASS

Why is it that high-profile, married, white, clean-shaven, right-wing, FOX News supporting, Christian, conservative Republican politicians (like Senator Larry Craig's lying homosexual ass) and clergymen (like Ted Haggard's LYING - homosexual ass) of all stripes always get caught doing it? The same guys that oppose abortion, gay marriage, pre-marital sex and even discussions about sex - seem to get more sex, gay and straight - than every-fucking-body else. Do these guys believe what they are preaching? Well, do they? Maybe I am missing something here. But there has always been a positive, but weird connection (from what I see) between preaching abstinence and getting more ass.

Ahh... Tiger [Woods] ain't in this.

When I was in high school, the main two girls that talked the most about "repentance" and "salvation" and "Jesus" - no make-up, long dresses, no gym, were the first ones to pop pregnant - one by her married, abstinence preaching pastor. I guess she held her "holy" open a little too long.

My brother and I used to debate about which groups of avowed Christian girls gave better sex - be it sanctified vs pentecostal, or whatever. In our experience, it turned out that the catholic girls were always the plainest looking, but also the freakiest (by far!). Baptists and Methodists gave the very best blowjobs. And those fine-assed Jehovah's Witnesses were always the quickest for quickies (when cheating on their husbands). Witness women have always amazed me with their expert ability to leave a motel room (fast!) with a straight face, straight clothes, hair, etc. Like nothing happened!

"Read this [Watchtower], on the way home sweetie!" (kiss, kiss, SLAM!!)

The sanctified and pentecostal girls were always (numerically) the most unmarried. But they always had the most kids, the most thongs, the prettiest bootys, the wettest pussies, and were always ready to fuck (only after church - of course). Let me tell you brother... Them long dresses, shit - Pentecostal girls can FUCK! (I've found that there is a lot of tight, pent-up spiritual energy on reserve under those long dresses) Open (and quite hot) adultery is the norm within sanctified and pentecostal churches - especially if the great and anointed pastor himself is involved in some of the various adulterous triangles (some of these good pastors have done the mom AND daughter within the same family - check on YouTube).

Like anal? Catholic - is the way to go (those girls give it up)...

"Damn girl - that picture of the Pope seems to be looking right at us..."

Ahem...

Looking for sex? I recommend you stop wasting your time at parties and nightclubs. Find the churches where the congregants shake in the aisles, and dance in the pews, and holler the loudest, praising Jesus. You need to see some sweat-drenched, speaking in tongues, organ-pounding, (amen) choir-shouting, (whoa) Holy Ghosting own down... AMEN!!! You got to feel the POWER... My Brother - of the Hooolee Spirit!!! That way you will know you are in the right place. Look out for big juicy women that ass-play tambourines in the pews - they are especially hot (they always end-up on top, fucking ME).

Oh... Ohhhh JESUS, I'm coming!!! 

(Why is it that Christian women always make sure to alert Jesus when they are getting a nut? This usually happens when you are pounding that wet, blessed and anointed PUSSY good and hard from the back - then, she will turn around - look straight at you, and shout-out a report to "Jesus" that she is popping off!!!  Does Lord Jesus really need to know this? And the more she is NOT supposed to be fucking you - the louder she gets... Why do they do that..? Maybe it's in the Bible - who knows?)

Anyway...

Abstinence and monogamy talk may be good religious PR - but hey man, Christians just love to fuck folks they are not married to. Especially those politicians and clergy that present themselves as conservative, white, married, right-wing, FOX News approved and interviewed, anti-abortion, anti-contraception (really!?!), anti-Black, Republican "morality" types (I really like it when those fuckers get caught in a hotel tryst with a Black girl - it makes for great press... You know?). But if you think about it - this makes total sense. C'mon... You can't deny anything, if you don't fuck anything. So, if you have nothing to deny - why be a politician? OK? If you don't intend to fuck the folks in your congregation on every possible level - why be a clergyman? Okay..? We all know, being a clergyman of any type is a sure guarantee of access to extra ass, along with the money for hotels, plane tickets, drugs, and Viagra.

Right?

Understand...

Ass is one of the main reasons that some are "called" to preach. OK? Now - because of the fact that I really like pussy - and like any man, am always trying to come-up with ways to get more of it - at one time, I actually thought about opening a church, and becoming a preacher. Yes folks - I am a hard-core, unrepentant ATHEIST - but, hey... There is no contradiction there folks... Why? Because most clergymen are just as atheist as I am - they just choose to lie about it. They know there is no God, just as well as I do. But the clergyman's attitude is: "Fuck That - Ah gots to make my money, and gets my PUSSY too!" You know? This, ahhh, stinking - duplicitous, become-a-clergyman-for-the-money-and-the-pussy-and-tell-everybody-else-to-be-abstinent-bullshit - has gone on for twenty fucking centuries folks. How many clergymen do you know of that taught "chastity" - but got caught doing a little "counseling" under sweet little 17 year old Chastity Johnson's dress? How many preachers do you know of that loud-talked about the "sinful nature" of gay people, and the "dangers of the homosexual lifestyle" - that got caught sneaking out of some dive leather bar with his um, "associate" in the smoking middle of "boystown?" Right? I would not be surprised if there were classes on how to do this kind of shit properly offered in theology schools.

So - "Clergymen!!! - Don't miss class!"

My problem is - I like money, but I cannot bring myself to be that big a liar - to that many people - and on a daily basis. While also contributing to the sustenance of the most ignorant and retrograde aspects of human nature.

"With a Bible? Over some pussy, some Benjamins, and a private jet?"

"Not doing that - is called 'morality' folks..."

Being a clergyman is easily one of the only professions that you can legally make multi-multi-millions directly and openly from bald-face lying, baiting others, cheating, and expending blatantly unverifiable assertions. It is, great money, BUT - from a purely moral standpoint, being a clergyman is not morally worth it. That's right folks. NOT... Any Black person that professionally preaches Christianity (or anything that is "faith-based" for that matter) to anyone in the Black community is a lying criminal and a traitor. Christianity always equals White Supremacy. To intentionally assist the power structure in keeping my Black people's heads, not only up in the clouds - but up their asses as well (you got to switch-up sometime... OK), when we as a people need to intelligently organize our efforts to solve our very real now and here problems down here? "Keep HOPE alive? Ahh, no motherfucker..." As much as my Black people have been over-lied to over the very long course of 400 fucking years. And then attempting to balance that lying practice with making money - I could not ever bring myself to live within the deceptively filthy duality of an appearance of morality, through the practice of clergycraft, while, at the same time, intentionally exhorting my people to believe what I know to be hyper-stupid and hyper-retrograde mis-truths, super-righteous bullshit, anti-morality, anti-history, and piously unscientific nonsense... Yeah, you know - backwards bullshit.

Can't do it... There are better ways to get money, AND pussy.

Abstinence..?

Look man...

The Virgin Mary herself wouldn't stand a chance in most churches (or Washington for that matter). Could you imagine how many clergy and politicians would like to bust THAT ass - including the Pope? Or including me. Yes... I'd want to INHALE that immaculate pussy. Who wouldn't want to get a whiff of that? If I ever met THE VIRGIN MARY, hey man - I would ask - no reserve: "Hey baby, you been sitting on that for a long time... 'Like a drink?"

And she'd say:

"YES! Been waitin' over 2000 years for a guy with the balls to ask!!!"

AMEN!!!!